Nothing Lasts Forever – Caveman’s Banner League Awards

We all subscribe to the theory that nothing lasts forever. Well, except of the fact that I actually thought I would forever be the champion of the Banner Fantasy League.

There is plenty of data that supports that thinking. I had won back-to-back titles despite having less than stellar drafts (which I blame on the fact that I have to run the draft and spend too much time pining for laughs). The common thought about those titles was that my draft day roster was not good enough to win the title; therefore, I was forced to raid other rosters and relentlessly badger the owners into trades that favored me. I definitely heard about it.

After the 2008 season I made a vow to several owners that I would not make a single trade during the 2009 thus proving that I could win with or without trading. I was able to keep up that end of the bargain and in the process learned that patience in fantasy football is invaluable. I stuck with Matt Schuab after his opening week stink-bomb against the Jets (in 2008 he would have been long gone in a panic move prior to his fabulous week 2 performance). I stood strong with Ray Rice, despite John Harbaugh’s refusal to give his best goal line back the ball at the goal line.

I ripped through the 2009 regular season with a 17-2 record, sensing that even my fellow owners were in awe of my success and hopelessness had set in amongst a few of them. I heard comments like “if you win again, I won’t play next year” and the inevitable “you’re the luckiest SOB on the planet”. One owner dreamed of “shocking the world, al a Buster Douglas against Mike Tyson”, yep I had reached Mike Tyson status, the most feared fantasy football owner on the planet. Everyone wanted a shot at the champ, but when they got their chance it turned out more like Michael Spinks against Tyson than Douglas.

My guess is a 17-2 record will never be surpassed or duplicated even if this league continued on for eternity. This wasn’t a “cheap” 17-2 either; this was a butt kickin’ tour similar to the “Mega Mushroom” power-up in Mario Kart. The 17-2 record could have been one for the ages, right along with the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls (72-10) or the 1927 Yankees (110-44). Instead, better comparisons would be the 1995-96 Detroit Red Wings (62-13), the 2001 Seattle Mariners (116-46) or the 2006-07 Dallas Mavericks (67-15). What do all these teams have in common? Each had stellar regular season, one of the best ever in each teams respective league, but it essentially resulted in nothing because each failed to bring home the title.

But the team that fits Caveman best is the 2007 New England Patriots. The Patriots were characterized as a cocky and arrogant, they were despise outside of the Patriot die-hard circle and Pats haters wanted them to lose in the most painful possible way.

That pretty much sums up the feelings about Caveman in the Banner League. I guarantee the majority of the owners did a fist pump that would make Derek Jeter proud when Adrian Peterson crossed the goal-line for the first time Monday night. Then when Peterson put the game on ice late in the 4^th quarter, those same owners extended their arms triumphantly, as if they shared in this epic event.

So there you have it, the beast has been chained, the giant slain, therefore the streets are safe again. Sure I could make the excuse that losing Steven Jackson minutes before kickoff cost me the game, but I won’t. Instead, I will congratulate Evil Beagles on a great season and championship game. I could think back to Saturday night when I positioned myself for the remote possibility that Jackson or Fitzgerald would sit out and instead of picking up Devin Aromashodu, I went with Josh Morgan. I can second guess and say that if the coin comes up heads (literally), I would have played Aromashodu, as opposed to Ganther. But that wouldn’t be fair to the new champion.

Yes, I could lament the fact that Mike Tomlin hasn’t refuse to challenge a moderately challengeable play in his career, yet he decided against a challenge when Todd Heap was clearly down at the one. Or, I could bemoan the fact the refs in the Philadelphia/Denver fame refused to call an obvious pick play that allowed DeSean Jackson to be wide open for a touchdown reception. The points for those two plays? 14.55! Ironically, the difference in the championship game was 14.50! But I will refuse to mourn these plays.

I could think back to week 13, when Land Shark lost by .08, thus losing the division in the process, and wonder what could have been if Shark didn’t play an inactive DeAngelo Williams, or Derrick Mason doesn’t drop an easy ball to catch at the end of the game. What could have been? Land Shark facing, and losing to, Caveman in the finals. But again to point out such frivolities would detract from the new champion and I refuse to do so.

At the end of the day the THREE-PEAT wasn’t meant to be, so fellow owners make it a point gather around Evil Beagles, hoist them on your shoulders and carry them around as each of you vicariously share in this victory!

On to the post-season awards (here is a link to origination of the awards for the 2009 season):

The “Kevin Allen award for crash and burn at takeoff” goes to Hulkamaniacs. This team checked into a shelter for neglect/abuse and begged me not to tell Hulk where they had gone. Wow, just wow, this season started with such high hopes for the Hulkster, but the first three weeks netted a 1-5 record and the mantra of “Wait till next year” was being played. Though this team crashed and burned early, there was never an attempt to recover, instead Hulk effectively urinated on the burning ash at the crash site. The Hulks were still alive for a playoff as late as week 12, yet steadfastly refused to part ways with one of their quarterbacks (Brady and Manning) for quality at the RB/WR/TE positions and instead played a free agent (Larry Johnson) and two injured players (Westbrook and Benson).

The “The Mike Junkin award for biggest draft day reach” goes to Desert Pimps. Can we change the award to read “reaches”? Let’s start with supplemental draft rounds – Carson Palmer and Willie Parker? Both could’ve been had a much later position. What hurts worse is Pimps bypassed two studs in Maurice Jones-Drew and DeAngelo Williams. Then let’s move to the 4^th and 5^th round, where Pimps irrationally selected back-to-back defenses, then added a third defense again in the 7^th round. In fairness, the back half of the draft was stellar, netting Nate Burleson, Steve Smith (NYG) and Jeremy Maclin in the late rounds.

The “The Todd Blackledge award for playing quarterback Russian Roulette and drawing the bullet.” goes to Pherguson’s Philly Phanatic. Pherg kept Kurt Warner as his main quarterback, but with concerns about Warner’s health abounding and the allure of playing two quarterbacks they decided to make it a priority to get a solid second quarterback and drafted three additional QBs. The problem they drew three bullets with Matt Hasselbeck, Trent Edwards and Marc Bulger. Add to that a fourth bullet with the key free agent pick-up AJ Feeley and this award is well deserved.

The “The Andre Ware award for being a product of the system” goes to Tazmanians and Green’s Meanies. Essentially TAZ lived and died with two teams – the Chargers and Falcons. For the most part every TD scored by those two teams went to TAZ, which is great when those teams are playing against shoddy defenses like Tampa Bay or Kansas City. But unfortunately in the playoffs the Falcons and Chargers ran up against two above average defenses and his big four could only muster 46 points compared to the 80 points they averaged during their eight game winning streak.

Green Meanies lived and died with a big three of Brees, Witten and Moss. Those three led Meanies to their first playoff berth with a non-bye average score of 66 points. Those three had reached the heights of 90 combined points, which is what was needed in the playoffs. Unfortunately, the big three combined for a mere 41 and Meanies playoff stay was as short as the Rodman/Electra marriage.

The “The Reggie Rogers award for doing your due diligence and ignoring a checkered past” goes to Beantown Warpigs. Brett Favre has broken down late in the season every year for seemingly the last millennium, yet ‘pig held onto to him the bitter end when Favre popped a cap in his season in the semi-finals. Down 12 points with Favre against Adrian Peterson seemed like a no brainer, after Favre had out-scored Peterson by at least 12 points in seven previous games including the three of the four most recent games. That didn’t happen as Favre turned in his worst performance of the season. What could have been different – maybe a “sell high” earlier in the year, where Favre could have netted an adequate replacement and an upgraded running back.

The “The Rich Campbell award for I could be doing something more productive on Sunday than watching my fantasy stats like a teenage boy viewing his first skin flick” goes to Unfrozen Caveman. I suspect that other owners have are active on Sunday, but I doubt any of them take 6.75 hours to vacuum a house that under normal conditions takes .25 hours. It’s not a coincidence that the time from the beginning of the early Sunday games to the end of the late afternoon games is roughly 6.5 hours. A typical Sunday at Casa Caveman has Caveman pacing the family room, with remote in hand and laptop fired up to track scores while attempting to watch every game at once. Obsess much!

The “The Ki-Jana Carter award for perpetual mediocrity” goes to Filthy Little Monkeys and DA BOYZ FROM NYC. There the only two original franchises that never made a playoff appearance. In DA BOYZ case, they have played one of the toughest schedules on each of the three seasons and they tend to go as a certain team in New York goes. In Monkeys case, they have had a fair share of bad luck against them, but they lack the in-season activity to keep up with the better teams. When you get drafted by the Monkeys it’s like being in the Mafia, you never get out.

The “The Akili Smith award for catching a falling knife” goes to Kristi Kremes. How about going from Super Bowl contender to out of the playoffs in three weeks? Kremes finished the season losing six of their final seven games and failing to make the playoffs. Beginning in week 10, Kremes rattled off 69.6, 61, 76.2 and 75.7 efficiency ratings (the league average is right around 85%), which lead to their standings free-fall that mirrors Obama’s approval rating.

And four bonus awards:

The “Gilette MACH 3 award” goes to Land Shark. The .12 is all that separated Shark from a division championship and a trip to the finals. Those are two of the most brutal losses in the history of fantasy football, but FF is cyclical in nature and what goes around comes around (oh no!).

The “Mouth that roared while the team whimpered award” goes to Don’t Mess With the Rohan. This award goes to the owner that talked the second most trash in the league; unfortunately the team didn’t live up to the hype of the owner. Whine all you want about bench points, but in reality “most bench points” is not worthy of an award but rather an indictment of a poor owner. Bam, and the hits keep on coming!

The “Best team on paper doesn’t always win award” goes to Vince’s Barbershop. This roster was loaded, yet through injuries, un-performance and general bad luck Vince failed to make a significant impact in the playoffs. They has highly ranked studs – Calvin Johnson, Frank Gore, Matt Ryan and Jay Cutler and this was the year Sproles would cut into Tomlinson’s workload (instead the Chargers treated this year as a career achievement tribute to LT2). The roster was filled with young talented productive players – Austin Collie, Sidney Rice, Jeremy Maclin and Knowshon Moreno. If we had the ability to bring this exact team back next year, they would be the pre-season favorite to win it all.

And, drumroll please, the final award:

The “Owner of the Year award” goes to Evil Beagles. The best team deservedly won the championship this year. While Beagles had a great start to the draft with Chris Johnson and Adrian Peterson and then proceeded to nail their first four picks after with Colston, DeSean Jackson, Greg Olsen and Joe Flacco. No other owner had that solid of first six picks. At the end of the day, Beagles was virtually flawless in their team management!

All kidding aside, well done Beagles, you earned and deserve this championship. And remember winning this championship is a big deal, especially considering the close proximity of the most owners.

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Headlines

Wow! Seems like just yesterday we were all crammed into that over-priced room at Dave and Busters for the draft and now we are officially done with season three of the Banner League.

Congratulations to Unfrozen Caveman for demonstrating unbelievable consistency in winning their second consecutive total points championship. Most experts would agree that winning the season long total points is a true measure of fantasy greatness.

In the toilet bowl, Pherguson’s Phillie Phanatic put up a high score and gave Kristi’s Kremes a Broad Street beatin’ to pick up a toilet bowl championship.

In the third place game, Land Shark, off the bitterly disappointing loss in the semifinals, came back strong and dined on a ham deluxe (Beantown Warpigs).

In other action, Evil Beagles beat Unfrozen Caveman to win Banner Bowl III.

2009 Fantasy Playoff Predictions – Super Bowl Edition

I am a self-aware, realist. Therefore, I can openly admit that I obsess a bit too much about fantasy football. Part of it is because I hate to lose at anything, but it is especially frustrating when you have a total inability to control the outcome. For example I am much better when I lose a video game, because at least I know it’s me at the helm. But fantasy football is virtually out of an owners hands; sure you can use the overload of information available to you and make decisions that – mitigate risk, put you in the best position to win and are for all intents and purposes intelligent. But then you have to release the team into the wild and you have no control as you watch a predator like Gary Kubiak devour your team like a Lioness in the African Jungle.

Last weekend was as topsy-turvy of a (fantasy) weekend as I have had in my life. And the obsessing began at kickoff. I have this funny superstitious belief that if I have the first player to score on a Sunday in my lineup, it is a good omen, if I don’t have the first touchdown, ah well, hold on! The first player to score last Sunday – Justin Gage! Not in my lineup, but fortunately I wasn’t playing against him.

With five semifinal games, I would have been better off locking myself in a closet and waiting until Tuesday to re-enter the living world. The talk around Casa Caveman is that I may need to add as many as two additional sabbaticals for next season.

I literally spent the next six hours flipping between games, checking stats and picking up pieces of a broken remote (the good news is that DirecTV remotes are a mere $20, so I picked up an extra one specifically for this week). If was clear from Thursday night that I was doomed in one of my leagues, so I was effectively down to being competitive in four leagues. Early Sunday, I was buried in two leagues and felt great in two of the leagues. By the end of the first quarter in the late Sunday games, I was convinced that I was doomed in all five leagues (the remote was still working despite being hurled against frame of the couch at least four times).

Right about the middle of late games is when Aaron Rodgers put two of my teams on his back and went nuts. For the first time that day, I sat down and was able breathe normally feeling as though I would survive in four leagues. Then in a span of about 30 minutes things went south again – Derrick Mason, Donovan McNabb and Brandon Marshall all scored touchdowns. So much for breathing normally!

I feel comfortable with three of the leagues, but as the Sunday late games head to crunch time, the Banner league (the league that means the most to me) has tightened. The end of the Packers/Steelers game was excruciating, as I had the Packers defense and my opponent had Heath Miller. I was up eight before the NFL decided it wasn’t ready to have a playoff year without the Steelers. My lead disappeared and the remote disintegrated into thousands of tiny pieces, as I stomped on it like Nick Santoro on the wise guy who insulted Ace.

But all’s well that ends well, as I ended up winning four of the five games. I caught an amazing break with DeAngelo heading to the bench early (if you were offended by over zealous cheering when Williams limped off the field, I apologize, it’s not personal, it’s just business), survived the Redskins defense, resisted the temptation to change my lineup to hedge against another league (those who know me know that I always hedge) and got just enough from the Giants kicker.

Of course, I now have four championship games this week – time for more remotes!

Before I get to the championship predictions, let’s recap last week:

Fantasy Sharks finished last week at 2-4, ESPN at 4-2 and CEP 5-1.

The methodology – for each league I took the prediction from the Fantasy Sharks (FS), ESPN weekly projections and the CEP (Caveman’s Expert Predictions). The CEP use a top down approach, picking the final score of the game first, then assigning the scores to individual players and in the process making sure that everything ties together. For example, I don’t have Tom Brady throwing 2 touchdowns, with Randy Moss, Wes Welker and Ben Watson each receiving one. I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the other predictions, but I would guess they avoid egregious mistakes.

This week I added “rank” to the predictions which is the CEP way to lining up each player as though it were a wrestling duel. In addition, I will put the anticipated score (using the CEP) at the end of each grouping of games.

Banner Fantasy League – Evil Beagles v. Unfrozen Caveman

Unfrozen Caveman
Pos	Rank	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	1	Schaub, Matt HOU QB	22.00	22.56	24.80
RB	2	Rice, Ray BAL RB	20.80	21.00	20.10
WR1	3	Fitzgerald, Larry ARI WR	19.00	19.30	11.20
WR2	4	Austin, Miles DAL WR	24.00	21.40	16.40
UF	5	Wells, Chris ARI RB	14.00	16.60	20.50
F2	6	Charles, Jamaal KCC RB	17.50	8.60	19.40
F1	7	Jackson, Steven STL RB	19.00	20.70	14.50
TE	8	Davis, Vernon SFO TE	17.50	18.70	14.50
DT	9	Packers, Green Bay GBP Def	8.00	8.00	14.00
K	10	Tynes, Lawrence NYG PK	6.00	9.00	9.00
		Total:	167.80	165.86	164.40
Evil Beagles
Pos	Rank	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
RB	1	Johnson, Chris TEN RB	23.50	23.20	27.70
F1	2	Peterson, Adrian MIN RB	24.00	21.10	28.20
WR1	3	Jackson, DeSean PHI WR	23.00	20.90	21.20
WR2	4	Colston, Marques NOS WR	17.00	21.80	17.10
F2	5	Crabtree, Michael SFO WR	17.00	19.30	15.20
QB	6	Flacco, Joe BAL QB	23.80	15.30	14.30
UF	7	Morris, Maurice DET RB	18.50	17.50	10.50
TE	8	Boss, Kevin NYG TE	17.50	8.60	11.50
DT	9	Browns, Cleveland CLE Def	8.00	3.00	4.00
K	10	Nugent, Mike ARI PK	7.00	5.00	9.00
		Total:	179.30	155.70	158.70

 

Score:
Friday	Beagles	27.70	Caveman	2.00
Sunday AM	Beagles	74.60	Caveman	89.30
Sunday PM	Beagles	130.50	Caveman	150.00
Sunday Night	Beagles	130.50	Caveman	166.40
Monday Night	Beagles	158.70	Caveman	166.40

 

Beagles look to do what no other team in history has been able to – have the balls to take down Caveman. True last week the Caveman needed help from the grim reaper (Deangelo Williams) and nine points from his kicker the hard way (6 extra points and 1 field goal), but isn’t that what a champion does – survive! And say what you want, but Caveman is a great champion!

Interestingly enough, ESPN and CEP have this game virtually identical, while fantasy sharks is predicting a 12 point win by Beagles.

Key matchups:

Chris Johnson v. Matt Schaub – No doubt the Titans will feed the ball to Johnson much like krill is fed to Shamu. It’s no secret Coach Jeff Fisher wants Johnson to get 2000 yards and in reality that solve the titans have left to play for this year. Schuab house to match Johnson point for point or Caveman could give up critical points up critical points.

The receivers –both teams starting wide receivers are the third and fourth ranked players, yet the CEP has Beagles netting a plus 11 in this match-up. Caveman could make up significant points but there are serious questions about Fitzgerald’s health, however, champ bailey will be shadowing Jackson all game long and if Colston does not get his early he may be on the bench late.

Flacco/Crabtree v. Wells/Charles – I can see Crabtree having one of those “no effing way” games the since you have to figure the 49ers will be able to do pretty much anything if they want against the Lions and I can see them forcing the ball to their prized draft pick. In years past, the match up against the Steelers would have been scary for the Super Bowl weekend, however now their secondary couldn’t stop the passing game of a wishbone team and Flacco could also go off. At the end of the day, if this match-up gets out of hand for one of the teams, it will determine the winner of Banner Bowl III.

Final Analysis:

It is very tough to win three championships in a row, but Caveman has a lot going their way –a 0.02 victory in the semifinals that reeks of “team of destiny”, great week 16 match-ups and history. I cannot go against the CEP and Unfrozen Caveman continues his dominance over the Banner League for a third consecutive year.

 

Sizzling Fantasy League – Desperados v. Fearsome Foursome

Fearsome Foursome
Pos	Rank	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	1	Rodgers, Aaron GBP QB	45.50	31.70	25.00
RB	2	Rice, Ray BAL RB	19.30	19.50	18.90
F1	3	Stewart, Jonathan CAR RB	17.65	22.10	17.50
WR2	4	White, Roddy ATL WR	15.00	15.60	17.00
F2	5	Thomas, Pierre NOS RB	18.50	23.10	10.90
WR1	6	Bowe, Dwayne KCC WR	9.00	17.20	15.50
F3	7	Davis, Fred WAS TE	16.50	17.30	8.30
TE	8	Finley, Jermichael GBP TE	20.00	13.70	9.80
DT	9	Bengals, Cincinnati CIN Def	20.00	9.00	6.00
K	10	Prater, Matt DEN PK	4.00	5.00	6.00
		Total:	185.45	174.20	134.90
Desperados
Pos	Rank	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
WR1	1	Johnson, Andre HOU WR	20.50	30.30	29.00
RB	2	Gore, Frank SFO RB	26.10	20.10	26.30
TE	3	Gates, Antonio SDC TE	18.00	21.20	19.50
QB	4	Smith, Alex SFO QB	19.00	26.70	23.00
WR2	5	Nicks, Hakeem NYG WR	4.50	8.20	8.60
F1	6	Bradshaw, Ahmad NYG RB	16.75	12.35	14.60
F2	7	Ganther, Quinton WAS RB	11.00	13.40	7.30
F3	8	Thomas, Dave NOS TE	14.50	5.30	9.00
DT	9	Cowboys, Dallas DAL Def	17.00	6.00	4.00
K	10	Hartley, Garrett NOS PK	7.00	11.00	8.00
		Total:	154.35	154.55	149.30

 

Score:
Friday	Desperados	19.50	Foursome	–
Sunday AM	Desperados	88.70	Foursome	120.60
Sunday PM	Desperados	138.00	Foursome	126.60
Sunday Night	Desperados	149.30	Foursome	134.90
Monday Night	Desperados	149.30	Foursome	134.90

 

Desperados have the two most explosive players in this matchup, with Andre Johnson and Frank Gore. Gore’s matchup couldn’t be any better and Andre is a beast. Plain and simple, Foursome cannot get into a shootout against those two guys. Throw in the “Alex Smith” factor (playing against a terrible defense) and the top three scores from this match up could come from Desperados, making them a virtual lock to take home the championship.

However, Fantasy Sharks and EPSN love them some of Foursome, while CEP favor Desperados.

Key Matchups:

Ganther/Bradshaw v. Bowe/Davis – I have both of these sets of players ranked as six and seven for the respective teams. But Foursome could certainly pick up big points here if Bowe can convert on a few more of his likely double digit targets. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that Ganther and Bradshaw are both the below double digits. I have this match up going to Fearsome by nine points, I believe it needs to be 20 plus for them to have a chance.

Dallas DT v. Cincinnati DT – Last week the respective defense is played by these two teams varied by 40 points (Baltimore v. Washington). This matchup figures to be much closer but if either team gains a significant advantage here, it will be tough to overcome.

Aaron Rodgers – Wow, Fantasy Sharks has some balls! Predicting a 45.5 effort by Rodgers is ridiculous, but Foursome absolutely has to have a stellar performance from his top ranked player this week. Anything less than 25 points will spell doom in their quest for their first championship.

Final analysis:

I get the sense Foursome is tightening up worse than Andy Reid in a big game – look out for the challenge flag to be thrown, with them challenging whether or not Tomlinson was actually in their lineup! In addition to that, Desperados is bringing out that the Cowboys’ defense against them, a defense Foursome dropped a week ago. All that adds up to Desperados hoisting the championship trophy come Sunday night.

Dry Heat Fantasy League – Garage Stumbling v. Cleveland Steamers

Clevland Steamers
Pos	Rank	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	1	Rodgers, Aaron GBP QB	45.50	31.70	25.00
WR1	2	Marshall, Brandon DEN WR	16.00	17.30	16.40
WR2	3	Welker, Wes NEP WR	20.00	14.60	12.50
RB	4	Mendenhall, Rashard PIT RB	7.10	13.80	15.50
F1	5	Snelling, Jason ATL RB	22.25	31.30	15.80
F2	6	Jackson, Fred BUF RB	15.50	16.35	11.70
TE	7	Davis, Vernon SFO TE	15.50	16.20	13.00
F3	8	Bell, Mike NOS RB	9.50	5.20	10.50
DT	9	Patriots, New England NEP Def	12.00	6.00	3.00
K	10	Hartley, Garrett NOS PK	7.00	11.00	8.00
		Total:	170.35	163.45	131.40
Garage Stumbling
Pos	Rank	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	1	Brees, Drew NOS QB	23.40	28.00	31.20
WR2	2	Jackson, Vincent SDC WR	19.00	20.20	18.50
TE	3	Gates, Antonio SDC TE	18.00	21.20	19.50
F1	4	Smith, Steve NYG WR	9.00	16.40	15.00
WR1	5	Wayne, Reggie IND WR	16.00	8.00	10.00
F2	6	Collie, Austin IND WR	6.00	15.60	14.50
RB	7	Maroney, Laurence NEP RB	13.50	12.75	12.30
F3	8	Gage, Justin TEN WR	12.00	4.70	8.50
DT	9	Falcons, Atlanta ATL Def	12.00	9.00	4.00
K	10	Crosby, Mason GBP PK	8.00	7.00	8.00
		Total:	136.90	142.85	141.50

 

Score:
Friday	Garage	46.50	Steamers	–
Sunday AM	Garage	117.00	Steamers	102.00
Sunday PM	Garage	141.50	Steamers	131.40
Sunday Night	Garage	141.50	Steamers	131.40
Monday Night	Garage	141.50	Steamers	131.40

 

Garage Stumbling has question marks all over their lineup, but pound for pound their lineup is better than Steamers. Surprisingly, and I am sure to the relief of both owners, this game will be decided by the close of the Sunday afternoon games.

Key Matchups:

Brees v. Rodgers – Steamers will have to have the top two ranked players from each roster to play to a draw in order to have a chance to compete. While both have cushy match-ups against brutally bad teams, where would you rather play – in a dome or in sub-freezing temperatures? Exactly! A-Rod house to hold his own and keep this score within 10 points.

Friday Night Players v. Marshall/Welker/M. Bell – Stumbling left the door opened with the below average performance on Friday night. Jackson, Gates and Gage combined for 26 points, 20 points below their projected total DOS up in this game in the eyes of the CEP. Steamers three need to keep pace (39.40 points) in order to capitalize on this opening half.

History v. Steamers – It’s well documented Steamers playoff failures. Despite owning a 39-15 career record (six games better than their closest competitor), Steamers have never won a title. In 2006, it was the Tomlinson/Westbrook show combining for 60 points while Chad Johnson and Antonio Bryant were limited to 8 points. In 2007, the most painful of all the playoff losses, a 12-1 regular season, ended with a brutal loss in the finals. In 2008, the team fell apart down the stretch and lost a very winnable semi-final game.

Final analysis:

Last week it looked like Steamers season would again end in heartbreak when Josh Cribbs took off on his second return of the game. However, from that point forward the stars seem to align perfectly for Steamers. And now he’s gotten a huge break with the underperformance of Garage’s Christmas night trio. Barring a Drew Brees “no effing way game”, the title goes to Cleveland (that’s the first time those words have ever been written)!

Tuesday Morning Headlines – Week 15 “Semi-Final” Edition

In the Banner Fantasy League playoffs, hearts are breaking across the world Tuesday morning, and no it’s not because Tiger Woods has pledged celibacy in an attempt to save his marriage, it’s because for the third consecutive year Unfrozen Caveman will play for the Banner Fantasy Championship. This time by the slimmest of margins – .02, which is significant because in 2007 Kristi Kremes lost a semi-final matchup with Warpigs by .02 when Bryan Westbrook took a knee. At the time Land Shark danced on Kremes grave, but now the minister of justice (Caveman) has shown Shark how it feels. So for now the .02 will live in infamy, but rest assured the Commish will be scouring the wire for stat changes that take the .02 margin and turn it into a 1.4 easy win.

In the other Semi-Final, Evil Beagles, preparing for a massive feast, roast Warpigs to advance to their first Banner Bowl.

The toilet bowl featured the classic case of “even a broken clock is right twice a day” as the high scoring Kristi Kremes annihilate Hulkmaniacs. The 103 point win is only the 5^th 100 plus point victory in the history of the Banner League. Kremes commented on how if they didn’t fall apart down the stretch they would have been in position to win the Banner Bowl. When reminded that the regular season counts – Kremes shut her donut hole!

Pherguson’s Philly Phanatic pulled off one of the biggesst upsets in toilet bowl history by knocking out the DA BOYZ FROM NYC and dumping them in the sewer setting up the border battle for human waste supremacy between Phanatic and Kremes.

One more quick note:

[Raising hand with index finger extended to mouth] “Rohan, SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

2009 Fantasy Playoff Predictions – Semi-Final Edition

You ever have “one of those weeks”? You know the nerve racking kind that stems from maybe job pressure or family issues or, maybe, if you’re like me having to make a major life decision. You see, I have five fantasy football semi-final playoff games this weekend and I literally have spent every waking minute thinking about the following – who to start, who to pick-up and start, my opponents match-ups, the weather, injuries to my players, injuries to my opponents players and pricing airline tickets to selected cities (in case I need to take matters into my own hands, haha!). I swear I am not obsessed or anything.

A good friend admitted he has been going through the same obsessive thing. And you know what it’s just been that way this year – very unpredictable! So unpredictable that, benching Roddy White to play Devin Harris is considered sagacious decision. By Sunday morning I will be laying on the bathroom floor, sweating profusely over a stack sheets with a “lucky quarter” in my hand, primed and ready to make my final decisions.

I find it interesting to combine all the starters in each of my leagues and look at the commonality. For example, one would think that a team with Chris Johnson or Drew Brees would have to be in the playoffs, right. Wrong! Brees is in one league while Johnson in two.

A better gage than total over points for the year would be the theory that a player who tore it up the past four weeks would be on more rosters. The idea being that if you own a Randy Moss or a Steven Jackson, there is very little chance of you surviving to this point. That holds some truth as players like Jamaal Charles (3 lineups), Ray Rice (3), Adrian Peterson (3), Brandon Marshall (3), Wes Welker (3), Andre Johnson (3), Antonio Gates (4) and Aaron Rodgers (3) are all in the positional top five

On to the fantasy predictions. For each league I took the prediction from the Fantasy Sharks (FS), ESPN weekly projections and the CEP (Caveman’s Expert Predictions). The CEP use a top down approach, picking the final score of the game first, then assigning the scores to individual players and in the process making sure that everything ties together. For example, I don’t have Tom Brady throwing 2 touchdowns, with Randy Moss, Wes Welker and Ben Watson each receiving one. I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the other predictions, but I would guess they avoid egregious mistakes.

BANNER FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Unfrozen Caveman
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Schaub, Matt HOU QB	22.00	21.90	29.40
RB1	Rice, Ray BAL RB	22.20	31.00	23.80
WR1	Fitzgerald, Larry ARI WR	18.00	18.80	21.10
WR2	Austin, Miles DAL WR	24.00	13.60	22.90
TE	Davis, Vernon SFO TE	12.00	20.40	19.10
K	Tynes, Lawrence NYG PK	5.00	6.00	11.00
DT	Packers, Green Bay GBP Def	8.00	7.00	3.00
FLEX1	Charles, Jamaal KCC RB	22.00	17.90	25.00
FLEX2	Jackson, Steven STL RB	27.00	16.40	7.70
UFLEX	Wells, Chris ARI RB	13.00	6.50	19.90
	Home Field Advantage	6.00	6.00	6.00
	Total:	179.20	165.50	182.90
Land Shark
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	McNabb, Donovan PHI QB	23.80	22.10	29.60
RB1	Jones-Drew, Maurice JAC RB	19.50	21.70	19.10
WR1	Welker, Wes NEP WR	22.00	19.60	17.00
WR2	Marshall, Brandon DEN WR	27.50	24.40	13.50
TE	Miller, Heath PIT TE	11.00	17.80	9.60
K	Kaeding, Nate SDC PK	6.00	9.00	8.00
DT	Chargers, San Diego SDC Def	6.00	4.00	15.00
FLEX1	Williams, DeAngelo CAR RB	11.00	18.00	15.50
FLEX2	Mason, Derrick BAL WR	22.50	18.60	9.20
UFLEX	Garrard, David JAC QB	13.00	8.80	19.64
	Total:	162.30	164.00	156.14

 

The Banner League has never known a champion other than Unfrozen Caveman and there has never been a playoff game decided by the Home Field Advantage. This game looks very to be very close and could go either way.

Land Shark Thursday players have blown away their projections – +22 over Fantasy Sharks, +25 over ESPN and +16 over CEP. Only the CEP still has Caveman surviving.

KEY MATCHUPS:

Donovan McNabb vs. Matt Schuab – Schuab cannot merely hold his own against McNabb, he has to out-score McNabb by 10+ points.

Chirs Wells – A feast or famine type of selection – if he can keep from fumbling and thus drawing the ire of Coach Nickerson, he easily surpasses 100 and 2 TDs. If he fumbles early, he rides the bench. Slated for 19.90 by the CEP, Wells needs to produce his second 20+ point performance for Caveman to have a shot.

DeAngelo Williams vs. Lawrence Tynes – The final shots will be fired by these two. Caveman needs a 20+ point lead heading into Sunday night and he should be safe barring a D-Will verse the Giants type of performance.

Beantown Warpigs
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Favre, Brett MIN	20.80	19.10	26.40
RB1	Mendenhall, Rashard PIT	7.70	7.90	21.10
WR1	Johnson, Andre HOU	23.00	33.20	32.50
WR2	Nicks, Hakeem NYG	17.50	8.20	12.80
TE	Gates, Antonio SDC	20.50	23.60	11.80
K	Stover, Matt IND	7.00	7.00	8.00
DT	Saints, New Orleans	6.00	3.00	15.00
FLEX1	Thomas, Pierre NOS	16.50	17.70	21.00
FLEX2	Bess, Davone MIA	7.00	12.50	11.90
UFLEX	Cassel, Matt KCC	11.10	14.10	19.00
	Total:	137.10	146.30	179.50
Evil Beagles
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Flacco, Joe BAL	19.80	18.80	16.50
RB1	Johnson, ChrisN	30.00	30.70	27.90
WR1	Jackson, DeSean PHI	29.50	29.50	28.90
WR2	Colston, Marques NOS	17.00	19.10	20.80
TE	Boss, Kevin NYG	9.50	16.40	16.20
K	Mare, Olindo SEA	6.00	9.00	12.00
DT	Texans, Houston	10.00	8.00	13.00
FLEX1	Peterson, Adrian MIN	29.50	22.40	20.10
FLEX2	Crabtree, Michael SFO	18.50	12.70	22.60
UFLEX	Cotchery, Jerricho NYJ	12.00	8.50	8.70
	Home Field Advantage	2.00	2.00	2.00
	Total:	181.80	175.10	186.70

 

According to the Sharks and ESPN this matchup should not be close, but the CEP puts this game as a “too close to call”. Beagles has major weather concerns with Flacco, DeSean Jackson and Michael Crabtree. It’s tough to throw deep in heavy winds and no WR relies more on those deep balls than Jackson. If you cut the production of those two in half Beagles is down to a still respectable 161, but is much more vulnerable.

KEY MATCHUPS:

Mendenhall/Thomas vs. Johnson/Peterson – The Caveman calls this matchup close, while the other two prognosticators have it as a blow out. Warpig has no chance to win this game, without pull at least a draw out of this matchup.

Antonio Gates vs. Kevin Boss – The Caveman likes the matchup for Beagles, but Gates is the second most explosive player on Warpigs. The scoring for TEs is favorable, meaning Gates could go off. A 10/130/2 game would result in 40 points and make it tough on Beagles.

History v. Beagles – Beagles has, arguably, had the best team each of the last two seasons but found a way to come up empty in crunch time.

Final Analysis:

Banner Bowl III will crown a new champion! Shark sends a Christmas cards to every member of the Colts defense for a pathetic effort that would make the Monday night Arizona Cardinals jealous, as he swims into the Finals against the Evil Beagles.

SIZZLING FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Weekend Warriors
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Rivers, Philip SDC	21.60	21.00	15.00
RB	Jackson, Steven STL	26.50	15.90	7.20
WR1	Rice, Sidney MIN	15.50	18.60	16.30
WR2	Smith, Steve CAR	13.50	16.00	8.00
TE	Witten, Jason DAL	14.00	14.20	22.50
K	Scobee, Josh JAC	5.00	10.00	7.00
DT	Dolphins, Miami MIA	8.00	3.00	5.00
FLEX1	Mason, Derrick BAL	19.50	15.60	7.20
FLEX2	Jones, Felix DAL	5.50	4.70	8.90
FLEX3	Branch, Deion SEA	7.70	14.60	14.50
	Total:	136.80	133.60	111.60
Fearsome Foursome
	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Rodgers, Aaron GBP	14.00	23.50	19.20
RB	Rice, Ray BAL	20.95	27.80	20.80
WR1	White, Roddy ATL	6.00	14.80	7.50
WR2	Bowe, Dwayne KCC	13.00	7.60	16.80
TE	Davis, Fred WAS	17.00	6.20	15.60
K	Prater, Matt DEN	6.00	6.00	9.00
DT	Redskins, Washington WAS	14.00	3.00	(5.00)
FLEX1	Tomlinson, LaDainian SDC	12.75	11.70	14.90
FLEX2	Thomas, Pierre NOS	15.50	15.70	18.00
FLEX3	Finley, Jermichael GBP	10.00	6.80	9.80
	Total:	129.20	123.10	126.60

 

Caveman differs from Sharks and ESPN on this pick, largely due to the number assigned to Steven Jackson. Caveman is predicting that, if S-Jax plays at all, he will be ineffective. In fact, if S-Jax is effective Caveman will light himself on fire, while attempting to discover fire!?!

KEY MATCHUPS:

Washington DT vs. Miami DT – The CEP prediction is based on the league scoring system, where FS and ESPN are based on their standard scoring systems. Defense can vary wildly in this league. Foursome is currently picked to lose 10 points on this matchup and with the Skins playing Monday night, could we see Foursome snatch defeat from the jaws of victory?

Aaron Rodgers vs. Phil Rivers – This is matchup Warriors can exploit. Rodgers in the cold weather, against an angry Steelers team (is this the week they unleash “hell”), on a horrible playing surface is not a matchup made in heaven. While Rivers gets an emotionally charged Bengals team that could unleash a version of “hell in December” themselves. A 20+ win by Rivers in this matchup assures Warriors of a win.

Pierre Thomas vs. Felix Jones – Jones is a wildcard and anything big from him will be a bonus. Thomas may end up a bust this weekend, which will spell doom for Foursome.

Desperados
	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Smith, Alex SFO	11.60	19.00	19.60
RB	Gore, Frank SFO	18.20	16.10	7.70
WR1	Johnson, Andre HOU	19.50	29.20	28.50
WR2	Nicks, Hakeem NYG	15.50	6.70	10.30
TE	Gates, Antonio SDC	18.00	20.60	9.80
K	Tynes, Lawrence NYG	5.00	6.00	11.00
DT	Ravens, Baltimore BAL	22.00	7.00	11.50
FLEX1	Foster, Arian HOU	7.75	15.20	20.00
FLEX2	Bradshaw, Ahmad NYG	7.25	6.60	16.90
FLEX3	Ganther, Quinton WAS	14.50	15.90	6.80
	Total:	139.30	142.30	142.10
BeefGravy AllStars
	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Manning, Peyton IND	28.00	29.50	28.40
RB	Williams, Ricky MIA	17.50	24.80	23.40
WR1	Austin, Miles DAL	20.50	11.10	19.40
WR2	Knox, Johnny CHI	16.50	12.40	10.00
TE	Winslow, Kellen TBB	18.50	17.40	19.80
K	Bironas, Rob TEN	7.00	9.00	5.00
DT	Saints, New Orleans NOS	11.00	3.00	2.00
FLEX1	Grant, Ryan GBP	17.25	13.70	18.70
FLEX2	Maroney, Laurence NEP	16.50	23.20	17.10
FLEX3	Fargas, Justin OAK	6.00	6.40	3.50
	Total:	158.75	150.50	147.30

 

OK, raise your hand if you had the Alex Smith, Arian Foster and Quinton Ganther sleeper threesome at the beginning of the year. But here they are ready to lead the Desperados to the Super Bowl

On paper this game should not be close, but the superstars for Desperados have great matchups and we all know that one “no effing way” game (see Brandon Marshall) is makes it very difficult for an opponent.

Manning has already posted a 35.32, nearly 7 points over CEP projection, for BGAS that should give him some cushion.

KEY MATCHUPS:

Monday Night vs. Beef Gravy – There is nothing worse than losing a lead on Monday night and Desperados is loaded up to fire several shots game the dust has settled from Sunday. To feel comfortable, BGAS needs at least a 50 point lead heading into that final game. Anything less and they will be sweating out the Bradshaw half back pass to, yep, Nicks.

Andre Johnson vs. The Suck that is the Rams – This is a great matchup for Andre, right? Certainly, until the Texans score a defensive TD, Moats runs one in and Schuab hits Walter for another. At 21-0, Kubiak will shut it down and I can’t blame him, since the Rams will muster no threat. That scenario bodes well for Foster, but Desperados need a big game out of Johnson.

Kellen Winslow vs. Antonio Gates – Here is a bold prediction – the winner of this matchup will win this game. Take that (and a gun) to the bank and you can walk out with the contents of the vault.

Final Analysis:

Beef Gravy All-Stars by a sliver and they move on to face Fearsome Foursome in the Super Bowl.

DRY HEAT FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Desperados
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Schaub, Matt HOU	23.00	22.90	30.40
RB	Rice, Ray BAL	20.95	27.80	20.80
WR1	Moss, Randy NEP	16.00	8.20	13.10
WR2	Johnson, Calvin DET	6.00	24.00	15.10
TE	Gonzalez, Tony ATL	19.00	9.30	10.70
K	Tynes, Lawrence NYG	5.00	6.00	11.00
DT	Titans, Tennessee	16.00	3.00	4.00
FLEX1	Nicks, Hakeem NYG	15.50	6.70	10.30
FLEX2	Jenkins, Michael ATL	10.00	4.70	6.60
FLEX3	Cribbs, Josh CLE	19.00	4.90	5.80
	Total:	150.45	117.50	127.80
Cleveland Steamers
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Rodgers, Aaron GBP	14.00	23.50	19.20
RB	Mendenhall, Rashard PIT	7.45	7.70	20.10
WR1	Welker, Wes NEP	18.50	15.10	13.00
WR2	Marshall, Brandon DEN	24.00	20.40	10.50
TE	Davis, Vernon SFO	10.00	17.40	16.60
K	Hartley, Garrett NOS	7.00	10.00	8.00
DT	Texans, Houston	19.00	8.00	9.00
FLEX1	Celek, Brent PHI	8.50	19.80	7.20
FLEX2	Meachem, Robert NOS	16.50	13.00	18.90
FLEX3	Foster, Arian HOU	7.75	15.20	20.00
	Total:	132.70	150.10	142.50

 

It bears mention that the Steamers have absolutely dominated this league in the regular season, but always come up short in the playoffs, prompting more than owner to ask the owner to change the team name to the “Cleveland Schottenheimers”. I am told to consider that done if Desperados knock them off this week.

“Blue Horseshoe”, er, Fantasy Sharks loves Desperados. While EPSN is huge in the favor of Cleveland and the CEP predicts a tight game.

KEY MATCHUPS:

FLEX vs. FLEX – CEP has Steamers with a 2 to 1 advantage (46-2), roughly the difference in the game. The CEP rewarded the high-risk, high-reward players on Steamers, but discounted the same players on Desperados. This is essentially where the game will be won – Desperados plays those three positions to a draw and they win, Steamers wins this battle by 20+ and they win.

Randy Moss vs. Randy Moss – It appears as though the Patriots will be very un-Patriot like in their approach with Moss this weekend. Translation they will coddle him and try exceedingly hard to him the ball. That could mean one of those “no effing way” 4TD games or if the Bills are smart they will take Moss out of the game like the Panthers did and allow the Pats to throw into that coveragae or check down to, yep, Wes Welker.

Mendenhall/Rodgers vs. Schuab – If Schuab can hold his own against these two; things will be looking mighty good for the Desperados.

Annihilators
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	McNabb, Donovan PHI	23.80	23.10	30.60
RB	Peterson, Adrian MIN	28.75	21.70	17.90
WR1	Fitzgerald, Larry ARI	15.50	15.80	17.60
WR2	Austin, Miles DAL	20.50	11.10	19.40
TE	Scaife, Bo TEN	9.00	4.00	6.10
K	Gostkowski, Stephen NEP	6.00	9.00	6.00
DT	Broncos, Denver	20.00	10.00	7.50
FLEX1	White, Roddy ATL	6.00	14.80	7.50
FLEX2	Jacobs, Brandon NYG	12.25	13.00	8.60
FLEX3	Barber, Marion DAL	14.50	14.70	12.80
	Total:	156.30	137.20	134.00
Garage Stumbling
Pos	Player	FS	ESPN	CEP
QB	Brees, Drew NOS	30.20	24.00	32.00
RB	Maroney, Laurence NEP	16.50	23.20	17.10
WR1	Wayne, Reggie IND	18.00	18.20	18.50
WR2	Jackson, Vincent SDC	15.00	16.90	16.90
TE	Gates, Antonio SDC	18.00	20.60	9.80
K	Brown, Kris HOU	5.00	12.00	11.00
DT	Ravens, Baltimore	22.00	7.00	11.50
FLEX1	Smith, Steve NYG	11.00	16.00	16.60
FLEX2	Collie, Austin IND	6.00	6.30	6.60
FLEX3	Faulk, Kevin NEP	5.75	6.00	6.00
	Total:	147.45	150.20	146.00

 

Annihilators, the defending champ, needed a win (and help) in the final regular season game just to reach the post-season. Last week they were headed home, if not for the worst lineup management in the history of fantasy by their opponent (playing an inactive kicker, a TE would had not been in their lineup all season and carry a roster with three IR players, but hey it’s a free league and that’s is what you get with a free league. What? It’s not a free league? What a *#(%)^& @$$!~+_!!!!). But the fantasy playoffs are about get in, survive tough matchups and wait for better ones.

Stumbling has already posted a 32.1 with Collie and Wayne on Thursday which adds 8 points to their number across the board thus catapulting them into two solid projected wins and one virtual deadlock.

KEY MATCHUPS:

Saturday Night – Marion Barber and Miles Austin take on Drew Brees in what figures to be a shootout. I have these players equaling each other, which is perfectly acceptable to Stumbling, but not as palatable to Anni. Anni needs this to fall his way by 15+ and this game probably tits to his favor.

Baltimore vs. Denver – Both teams have premier matchups, but the Ravens throw in bad weather and an erratic, gun slinger as a bonus. Given that, the Ravens have much more potential to throw down a huge number for a defense as my guess is the Raiders will scale back the playbook with their 9^th string quarterback. If the Ravens drop a 20 or 30 point game, it will be very difficult on Anni.

Fitzgerald vs. The Knee – The could setup as the worst possible outcome for a fantasy owner – Fitz starts, catches a couple balls, watches as the Cardinals go up 21-0 on Wells, Boldin and defensive TDs and sits the rest of the game. In this case, I think it may be better if the Cardinals sit Fitz and rest him for that huge match-up against the Rams.

Final Analysis:

I am bucking the trend and going against the CEP in both matchups. Both Desperados and Annihilators are on a Titans “Music City Miracle” type run and look for them to meet in the Super Bowl next week.

Tuesday Morning Headlines – Week 14 “Quarterfinal” Edition

Nights like these really make me hate sports. I hate when my team shows up with a half-ass effort and sleep walks through a game against their rivals. I hate that when given the chance to put the division away, my team decides to lay the biggest egg of the season. And though I hate re-runs, I continue to watch the same show over and over and over again. Of course, all of this hatred is directly squarely at the Arizona Cardinals and their pathetic effort tonight against the 49ers. Hey Cardinals, this act is getting old.

Haven’t we seen this before? Several times! Last year after clinching the division, the Cardinals got lit up at home by the Vikings. A game they admitted they had their heads up there proverbial rectums. And who can forget opening day against the same 49er team? The Cardinals showed up! That thought that’s all they had to do. But hey, they righted the ship the next week against a good J-Ville team. This leads us to the third showing of this crap-fest the Colts game the very next week.

But tonight’s game most closely resembles the Panther game. In fact, if you change the 49ers uniforms into Carolina blue, I wouldn’t have known the difference.

• Coming off a huge Sunday night win against a quality opponent – CHECK
• Media hype surrounding this team and the talent –CHECK
• Quarterback with “deer in headlights” look – CHECK
• Stellar rush defense unable to stop running game – CHECK
• Coaches with “deer in headlights” look – CHECK
• Royal beatdown by an inferior opponent – CHECK

For some reason, despite all their tough talk about “we’ve circled that game against the 49ers, we really want it”, despite the fact that they will most likely wrap up the weakest division this week when the Eagles dispatch the 49ers and the Cardinals beat the Lions, the Cardinals just don’t get it – last year was a aberration where everything feel there way. Number 4 seeds don’t host NFC championship games in back-to-back years and the Cardinals, with their worthless effort tonight, can wave good-bye to the number 3 seed while looking in the rear view mirror at the number 2 seed.

But, but that was a great win over the Vikings. Yesterday, my man, yesterday!

On to the headlines, in (dis) honor of the pathetic effort by the Cardinals:

The Banner playoffs begin with a thud as the top 4 seeds flexed their muscles, setting up what is sure to be a “Clash of the Titans” semi-final round.

Unfrozen Caveman does NOT take the weekend off, unlike Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, and whips Green Meanie’s out of the playoffs so fast that Meanies barely knows they were in the playoffs. It’s the sixth consecutive playoff win for Caveman, which is a Banner League record!

Land Shark destroys Vince’s Barbershop behind Brandon Marshall’s record setting performance. In fairness, Vince’s Barbershop had terrible match-ups this week. Caveman thinks that if Moreno, Calvin Johnson, Sidney Rice, Roy Williams, Kellen Winslow and Minnesota defense would have all played against the Cardinals, the final score would have been something like this – Vince’s Barbershop 375.12 Land Shark 175.96.

Tazmanians do their best Ken Whisenhunt impersonation by failing to get his team ready to play and leaving his best players on the bench. This allowed Beantown Warpigs to advance to the semi-finals for the second time in three years.

In the most shocking development of the week, perennial playoff participant Evil Beagles finally has won a playoff game. Evil Beagles, who clearly isn’t neutered, had the balls to look in the face of his opponent (Don’t mess with the Rohan) and take him down like a man. This is in stark contrast to Kurt Warner confessing, and then helplessly fulfilling the confession, that “the 49ers just match-up really well with us”. Really, Kurt, really?

In Toilet Bowl action, Hulkmaniacs mercifully put an end to Desert Pimps season. Pimps ended the season with 10 straight losses.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC snatch 15 dollars for the weekly high score and dispatch the dreams of another Toilet Bowl Title for Filthy Little Monkeys.

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Headlines – Week 11

Week 11 in the Banner Fantasy
League featured the return of division double-headers, where the standings can really change. The headlines, Thanksgiving edition:

The high scoring Land Shark, smelling blood in the water and feeling hunger pangs, surged into first place by lighting up Filthy Little Monkeys and pulling Green’s Meanies apart like a wishbone. But half of Meanies is enough to drop the Monkeys to the brink of elimination.

Tazmanians stays alive in the division race, as well announces their presence in the playoff race by throwing the remains of that crummy pie your grandmother insists on hand-making every Thanksgiving in Evil Beagles face. The Beagles get their revenge by putting a surprise in the worst dish of Thanksgiving dinner, candied yams, and forcing it down Pherguson’s throat.

In by far the biggest disappointment of the week, akin to ruining Thanksgiving dinner the first time all the relatives are coming to your house, Kristi Kremes lays a gigantic Ostrich egg against Tazmanians and Pherguson’s Philly Phanatic.

“Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam, Bam”, “Whaaaaat is all that noise” screams Unfrozen Cavewife. “Oh, did I disturb you. That noise is me and Vince’s Barbershop taking turns driving the final nail into the coffin that is Hulkamaniacs season”. In the process, Unfrozen Caveman intentionally slammed the hammer into Vince’s hand.

Beantown Warpigs call their shot on Friday, “You’re going down Rohan” and then back it up, thus forcing a change of holiday plans for Don’t Mess with the
Rohan, who in lieu of ham had to scramble to get a last minute salmonella turkey. It’s not all bad for Rohan, however, as Desert Pimps gives him one “on the house”.

DA BOYZ FROM NYC escapes Desert Pimps captivity when Beantown Warpigs gnaws off their hand, DA BOYZ beg their acquaintances not to tell Pimps where they have gone.

 

 

Tuesday Evening Fantasy Headlines – Week 10

In the Banner League, week 10 featured a high scoring matchup between Land Shark and Hulkamaniacs. Land Shark seemingly had his fill on the scraps of Hulk’s roster, but had to hold on as the two-headed, two-player ‘Maniacs made a frantic come back behind Brady Manning. At the end of the day, however, it was Shark dining on the two-heads as a late night snack.

In other action, VInce’s Barbershop shave Filthy Little Monkeys with an axe, while Evil Beagles dump DA BOYZ FROM NYC in the East River.

The rest of the action featured four colossal upsets that kept four teams alive in the playoff race.

Beantown Warpigs stink up the join as Green Meanie’s picked a much needed win.

Don’t Mess with the Rohan proves that you can win in this league when you can play defense and while they post only the 11^th highest score of week they hold
Kristi Kremes to the 3^rd lowest score of the week.

In the closest batter of the week, Kurt Warner defeats Desert Pimps by a mere.8, giving Pherguson’s Philly Phanatic Banner’s first ever single player start victory.

And in by far the biggest upset since David over Goliath, Tazmanians beats a lethargic Unfrozen Caveman.

Tuesday Evening Fantasy Headlines – Week 9

The Banner Fantasy League week nine featured a battle between the two highest scoring teams in the league, Unfrozen Caveman and Land Shark. The question was asked, “What do you tell a Land Shark with all their teeth knocked out? Nothing! They’ve already been told!” Unfrozen Caveman
TOLD
Land Shark!

Filthy Little Monkeys keep their faint playoff hopes alive by defeating a free-falling Hulkamaniacs, who played the Three MusketZeros, Larry Johnson (Incarcerated), Bryan Westbrook (Injured) and Mushin Muhammad (Inept).

KA-BOOM! That loud crash you just read is Don’t Mess with the Rohan’s fantasy team crashing to earth. Green’s Meanies tells Rohan, “You were living a lie anyway” and urinates on Rohan’s ashes.

Phergusons Philly Phanatic extends the “Philadelphia” horror (Eagles, 76ers, Phillies and Rocky V) to a full week, while extending his own streak of futility to ten games, as Beantown Warpigs “squeeze one out” against them.

The high scoring Kristi Kremes celebrate like they won Banner Bowl III, but are subdued when told it was merely a weekly high score. The high score was good enough to get them a win over the DA BYEZ FROM NYC.

Vince’s Barbershop, in financial hardship from the downturn in the economy, opens an illegal dog fighting ring in their backroom. The first victim is Evil Beagles.

Tazmanians, under the stress of a playoff run, use their sharp odor and disturbing screeching sounds to confusion Desert Pimps, then ferociously devour them to win their second consecutive game.

 

 

Tuesday Morning Fantasy Headlines – Week 8

In the Banner League week 8 featured three games of boss versus employee.

Unfrozen Caveman (employee) kicked Filthy Little Monkeys (boss) when the Monkeys strategy of playing two kickers backfires. Caveman builds an early, seemingly insurmountable lead and tells his late afternoon players to take the day off. Much like coach Whiz decided to give his play-makers the day off and instead focus on the stealthy move of throwing the ball to 8^th string TEs and undrafted running backs.

Don’t mess with the Rohan insubordinately declined to put Pherguson’s Philly Phanatic lineup. I am sure this issue will require some coaching, but Rohan will take the win with the lowest ever winning score.

Management got their lone victory when Land Shark harassed, without repercussion, Desert Pimps. To Land Shark’s credit he wasn’t at his best, but he took care of business despite the biggest game of his life looming on the horizon.

In a battle between truly despicable creatures, Warpigs turn Tazmanians on their heads and spin them like top.

In a rare appearance, DA BOYZ FROM NYC, take a break from making ridiculous trades in order to stock pile every Jet on the planet and defeat the Green Meanies. The win gets DA BOYZ out of the cellar. . .

Child protective services need to receive a call about Evil Beagles abuse of Hulkamaniacs. And with the loss the Hulkster is left scratching his head as the rest of the league wonders if the fact that the Banner League started testing for PEDs has anything to do with the dramatic fall.

Kristi Kremes robs Vince’s Barbershop and uses the money to start a boutique, which eventually puts Vince out of business.