Welcome to the 2010 fantasy football season. It seems like yesterday that I was trying to figure out how to hoist four 2009 fantasy championship trophies above my head during my induction into the fantasy hall of fame. Yep, my 2009 season was un-real, so much so that there is no way 2010 could be better, in fact no year can ever be better. Because of that and my personal belief that the defending champ has to return unless they announce, before the end of the year, that it is their last. Therefore, after 15 seasons of playing fantasy football I am planning to go out on top and retiring at the end of 2010.
I am walking away from the game I love for a variety of reasons. First off, I am hyper-competitive, which makes it fairly tough to deal with the countless ups and downs in a typical fantasy season. Secondly, my first season playing fantasy football forever tainted me; I dominated that initial season unlike any other. Therefore, I compare every season to that one and they constantly come up short. After the 15 years of playing, I feel a little like a veteran NFL coach who longer delights in successes, seeing them as fleeting, but choosing to dwell on the failures, which linger on for months. Yea, I need a break from it.
But the most important reason for my bailing is that fantasy games have gotten to the point where the difference between player A and player B is almost entirely due to luck. Player A can spend a myriad of hours analyzing stats, tacking player movements, developing metrics and scouring the web for information. They have an advantage over Player B who does no preparation, right? Wrong, Player B can download a draft kit from a well known fantasy website the night before the draft and essentially draft a quality, competitive team.
But you say – “Cavey, Player A will be more prepared and have a better understanding of when to pull the trigger on potential sleepers?” My response, what is a sleeper? As soon as one of these so-called national website fantasy experts spews the name of, say a Kareem Huggins, as his sleeper pick, he is no longer a sleeper. And it actually works opposite, a player less prepared will be more likely to pull a Jim Levenstein (quick how many of you knew that was the last name Jason Biggs ludicrous character in American Pie, me neither) and prematurely pull the trigger on Huggins six rounds too early because they don’t know any better.
OK, off the soap box and on to the reason we are here – the third annual running log of the both the Sizzling and Dry Heat fantasy league drafts. As an added twist this year I have asked a few FOC (Friends of Caveman) to help with commentary. Here is a quick bio for each:
Logan Gregor – the self proclaimed “fantasy expert” of the group; He claims he has a copyright on the phrase”Nice Pick”, as well as any derivative.
Curtis David – Continues to play despite never having any success; he is the type of guy who shows up to the draft and hopes that someone has an extra fantasy magazine; but he is a hit at every draft because of his consistent delivery high quality, off-topic quotes. If you really want to throw him off, hold the draft a sports bar with a wait staff of males.
Jay Goff – Wisconsin native who eats, drinks, breathes and craps Packer football. Has two simple rules in fantasy football, he must have at least one Packer on his team and he will never, ever have a Viking or a Bear.
10:55:58 AM – About 20 minutes until the Dry Heat first pick, let’s set the stage – a much better room than last year (of course a fairly well lit Afghanistan cave would have been better than the room last year); very private; booths are equipped with personal TVs; unfortunately the internet connection is non-existent, which really sucks considering I was planning to do some homework on my draft at the draft. Boys, do you have any comments on the room?
Jay Goff – Nice place, but I reserve judgment until I dive into some cheese fries
Logan Gregor – Nice pick!
Curtis – Where are all the women?
11:30:58 AM – And we are underway with the first pick – Adrian Peterson! Followed by a surprise at number two – Aaron Rodgers, which has Jay grumbling – “He should have been number one over that scrub Peterson”.
11:32:14 AM – And the first “Who?” is muttered when Maurice Jones-Drew is selected at number three. The “Who” at fantasy drafts is similar to the comment of “Get in the hole!” at a PGA tournament immediately after a golfer tees off on a 600 yard par 5.
11:33:47 AM – Wow, the first round is flying as we have moved to my pick at number nine, it’s between Steven Jackson and Drew Brees. I have to go with Brees, especially with Manning and Rodgers off the board.
Me – “quarterback Drew Brees”
Logan – “That’s a nice pick!”
11:35:05 AM – Wow, the rookie (Ryan Mathews) goes at #10. 15 years ago Ryan Mathews would have lasted until the 6th round. Two months ago, Mathews was projected as a mid 2nd rounder, now he is going at the bottom of the first round. If this was a real draft Mathews just went from looking for an apartment in Compton to bidding on mansions in Bel Air.
11:36:45 AM – I cannot keep up with the flurry of picks, which gets me thinking what it would be like if the first round of the NFL draft took 4 minutes to complete. ESPN would implode! At this pace we will be done at 12:38PM!
11:37:23 AM – My pick again – Jay tells me to take Ryan Grant; Thanks for the advice – Miles Austin joins the defending champs.
11:40:13 AM – Second round is in the books – wow everyone must have plans for this afternoon. Never fear though – the second draft will even out the time. Let’s quickly hear from FOC on the second round:
Logan – “I love Tom Brady in the second round, that’s a great pick! I am not a big fan of Reggie Wayne that early (1st pick of the second round) or Brandon Marshall. And. . .”
Me – “I said quickly, Jay, can you give me a quick comment?”
Jay – “Three Packers in the top 23, the most of any team! This team is so headed for the Super Bowl.
Curtis – “Is Chris Johnson hurt? I cannot believe he is still available. Where is the waitress, I hope she’s hot!”
Me – “Curtis, CJ is a keeper”
11:50:37 AM – The pace has slowed to about a minute a pick – my third round pick – Antonio Gates. So, being the defending champ has benefited me in a couple of ways, first, I am much more relaxed drafting, as if last year somehow validates my entire fantasy existence and now I have freedom to draft a quarterback in the first round and a tight end in the third; secondly, DA BOYZ FROM NYC, who is sitting across the table from me is trying, albeit slyly, to look at my draft list as though I am the straight-A student taking the Physics final exam.
11:57:51 AM – We have quite the comedian running the draft – “Steamers squeeze one out. . .” Okay, so here is a “fresh one” – Dwayne Bowe. Jonathan Stewart right before me – argh!
12:06:42 – Fifth round is already underway and the 4th pick of the round is Arian Foster, which draws the comment from the MC, “Arian Nation Foster”. Yea, I am pretty sure that is not his nickname. However, the mention of the Arian Nation has me wondering what the ANWOFL (Arian Nation Whites Only Fantasy League) draft would look like? Here is a crack at the first round picks:
- Peyton Manning
- Tom Brady
- Wes Welker
- Drew Brees
- Aaron Rodgers
- Dallas Clark
- Tony Romo
- Phillip Rivers
- Matt Schuab
- Jason Witten
- Joe Flacco
- Brett Favre
The second round is a mix of tight ends, fullbacks and kickers – draft over!
12:21:19 – Round six in the books – Michael Crabtree and Felix Jones are now members of the Steamer family and will eagerly wait being dropped off at the pool. Biggest disappointment – I was in on Ahmad Bradsahw and figured I would wait at least until Brandon Jacobs was selected – but Bradshaw goes before Jacobs.
Break time – let’s get some opinions
Logan –”Joseph Addai in the sixth round is the steal of the draft. He is the starting running back on a great offense, how is he any different than a Jonathan Stewart? Except that he starts and has a quarterback that DCs have to account for.”
Me – “Most of the time you annoy the crap out of me that I barely listen to you, but that was nice analysis, thanks Logan. And I tend to agree that the hate on Addai is out of control, but remember this guy gets gassed walking up a flight of stairs.”
Jay – “Bernard Berrian in the sixth round? By far the worst pick of the draft – he’s got no quarterback!”
Curtis – “Are you kidding me? One waitress for this entire group and she looks like Linda Lavin! Can you join me in prayer that we get more, hotter waitresses”
Me – “Curtis, any opinion on the draft?”
Curtis – “Uh, yea, Chris Johnson still hasn’t been drafted – what is wrong with this league.”
12:35:03 – Round seven begins with the selection of Michael Bush.
Curtis – “I love Bush, hehehe!”
12:48:41 – If I had a huge fan base that immediately critiqued my picks, I would have just been booed out of the building with my last two picks – Thomas Jones and Justing Forsett. It’s starting to go south for me, but guess what – I AM STILL THE CHAMP!
12:54:58 – This is a fairly quiet group but the following comment caught my attention – “Donovan McNabb will be the Cardinals quarterback next year”. Really? If so, why didn’t the Cardinals make a move on him this year? And my guess is Whisenhunt can’t stand Matt Lienart because his mechanics are poor, why would he be interested in a player with worse mechanics.
Curtis –”Dude, I have to get in this league – Chris Johnson went in the 9th round! And Linda Lavin was a moderately attractive middle-aged woman – I love the ladies!”
Jay – “Leinart is no Aaron Rodgers”
Me – “Thanks for that insight, Jay”
13:07:58 – Eli Manning in the 11th round – I love that Citizen Eco-Drive commercial with Eli Manning – “Eli Manning is unstoppable”, which before that amazing run in the 2007 playoffs was false advertising. In fact it was so far from the truth – it would be like Budweiser claiming beer does not impair your ability to draft your fantasy team.
13:29:34 Round 13th – an owner, who clearly is either a complete sell-out or does not have a daughter, drafts Roethlisberger. Hey pal, this league doesn’t give points for forcing co-ed’s into oral sex.
Logan –”That’s a great pick. Look you cannot have any bias or prejudice if you want to be successful in fantasy football. I mean look no further than that Jets fan, they have a roster half-filled with Jets.”
13:30:47 – Still in round 13th and we have a problem – Lance Moore is the pick and someone un-knowing owner shouted “Nice pick, I like that pick”. Expect a visit from Logan and a royalty bill for copyright infringement. I just drafted Jeremy Shockey to back up Antonio Gates and maybe take advantage to playing two TEs. Sweet.
Logan –”Look I hate to be a prick, but ‘Nice Pick’, and all variations are my intellectual property. It is what it is.”
13:35:12 – The food here is over-priced and below average, but the free room more than makes up for the deficiency. 14th Round and I nabbed the Steelers – the 8th defense off the board, I guarantee the Steelers finish better than 8th best. Yea, Polamalu is that important.
Jay – “You will be disappointed with the Steelers, the Packers laid 36 on them and would have beat them without that lucky pass. Is Roethlisberger the luckiest quarterback in the NFL? Think about the Super Bowl pass – he couldn’t make that pass again.”
Curtis – “Roethlisberger is one of the luckiest quarterbacks in the league and when he doesn’t get lucky he forces the luck!”
Logan – “Hey pal, nice job planning bye weeks, Gates and Shockey have the same bye.”
13:47:33 – Hello third tight end! For the first time, I am really upset – Kyle Orton is slated to be my next pick and some clown takes him two picks in front of me. I only need a quarterback for one week and Orton has a great matchup that one week! My guess is the clown took him for the same reason – man, I hate it when people are logical.
13:53:01 – We lost a couple owners this year – Filthy Little Monkeys, who lost a playoff game last year when they were forced to play an injured kicker, if being forced means failing to manage their roster. And Beantown Warpigs, who was best known for 1. telling other owners to “Pipe Down, B!tch” at the draft; and 2. attempting to draft his team from an iPhone app (presumably a beta version). Well, both of those things just came up in a bit of a “rip” session. It’s getting punchy!
14:00:03 – My last pick – Steven Gostkowski, ok I will take the Patriots kicker in the 18th round. My third tight end – Jermaine Gresham, who by the end of the season might be a weekly play even with the corpse of Carson Palmer throwing him the ball. That might free up Shockey for deal. I can see Wheeling Shockey, after a big game, for Ray Rice or Frank Gore!
Curtis – “I think two o-clock is shift change”
14:03:04 – Roughly 2:30 to get to Dry Heat’s Mr. Irrelevant – Demeryious Thomas. Who? We have a 57 minute break, which should be plenty of time to get my iced tea filled and reset the wireless router.
14:25:29 – Curtis –”I haven’t seen Flo for over an hour, I think we have a new shift of waitresses – Fresh Meat!”
14:40:53 – About 20 minutes left until Sidewinders are on the clock with the first pick, which means we can expect the first pick to be made in about 25 minutes. Sidewinders are notorious for taking the most time to make picks. So much so, that I proposed last year to give them either first pick or last pick every year so they would have back-to-back picks every round. That didn’t help as the delay between the back-to-back picks was significant as well. Then I tried to get a rule passed that each team had a finite amount of time to make picks, like in chess. Once time was up, you were left to picking players out of the pool to fill your remaining roster. Now that is a way to a. speed up the draft; and b. and an element of excitement. Owners would randomly scream names and pull a Fletch move in attempt to buy more time:
Owner: Steve Smith
Draft MC: Which one?
Owner: Uh-Huh.
Draft MC: Well, the Giants Steve Smith or Carolina?
14:47:14 – I forgot to do this before but a quick check of who is in attendance – overall a very lame turn out Roddy White, Tony Romo, Laverneous Coles and Shawn Merriman. What’s with the lack of jersey’s? My theory is that once a guy is married, has children and resides in some sprawling suburb, it is taboo for him to wear a jersey unless he is clearly going to a game. That is if taboo means that his wife will kill him if he tried to incorporate a jersey into his everyday casual attire. Therefore, he doesn’t own more than maybe one jersey and when the situation calls for a jersey, he instead opts for a t-shirt or, gulp, a polo with a team logo! I say it’s time for that guy to grow a pair and wear his Calvin Johnson jersey to the next school function. You know what the other dads will clown on the outside (because that is the expected behavior of Joe Middle-Upper Class) but down deep they will envy that guy’s incredible sack. Whew, I am glad I got that off my chest. Next year, I expect to see every owner in a NFL jersey!
15:09:34 – First pick is on the clock – over/under on how long this takes – 60 seconds (the owner has had 6 months to decide), wow, only 25 seconds, we might be done before seven. Oh yea, the pick – Adrian Peterson!
Logan –”That’s a great pick! He is the only sure thing available since Chris Johnson is keeper”
15:11:04 – I catch a nice little break – Ray Rice going number two – uh, Rice is the second pick, which leaves Maurice Jones-Drew falling to me. I actually had come around on Ray Rice leading up to the draft but I think MJD is as sure of a thing not named Adrian Peterson or Chris Johnson. Plus, I MJD plays fantasy football and he drafted himself #1, you have to like that!
15:13:27 – Yikes, Peyton Manning goes number 4 and Tom Brady follows at number 6. Then Brees at number 8. Are the days of a must draft a running back first over? There is no way we would see three quarterbacks go in the first round in the days before the Gary Kubiak’s and Bill Belichick’s started rotating running backs on a weekly basis.
15:15:11 – This draft is moving quickly, of course until we run into the “accident on the freeway” back at the end of the second round. The end of the first round another quarterback is taken – Phillip Rivers welcome to the first round. For those scoring at home – 7 non RB (4 QB and 3 WR) and 7 RB in the first round.
15:16:42 – Steven Jackson is taken with the first pick in the second round, drawing the comment “that’s good value right there”, expect a visit from Logan and call from “Mr. Johnson” to collect the royalty. But yea, S-Jax is a good value at 15, because he is one of the few starting running backs not competing for carries. But on the downside his offensive line is horrible, he has a rookie quarterback and cannot stay healthy.
15:22:15 – I went to my fantasy draft and a cage fight broke out – or at least we seem to be getting closer to the first draft fight in my 13 years in the league. There are very few things that I would consider fightable offenses but keeping a quarterback with your 6th round pick and then drafting a quarterback with your 2nd round pick is one of them. I had trouble hearing the entire exchange but it went a little something like this:
PO’d owner – “Nice pick, dumbass, why did you keep Cutler?”
Moron Owner – “Stop busting balls!”
Po’d owner – “I would if you had any balls!”
15:25:22 – Sweeeeet, I just picked up Greg Jennings, who I BOLDly predict will score 15 touchdowns this year. Plus, with Rodgers I have the chance to have “one of those” games where I murder my opponent by halftime of the early games.
15:31:07 – OK, we are waiting on Sidewinders for the first of back-to-back picks; He has a perplexed look on his face as he stares at his draft sheet, almost as though he accidentally printed it in font and he is trying to translate. The most bizarre thing is that it takes Sidewinders the full allotment of time for each of the back-to-back pick. I wonder if he lives his life like he drafts – hmmm, I have the perfect time killer while we wait:
Sidewinders as an ER doctor:
Nurse – “Doctor, the patient has a gunshot wound to the lower abdomen and is bleeding profusely”
Sidewinders – “Good work and while I agree, I think we should perform a colonoscopy first, just so we can rule that out.”
Whew, Larry Fitzgerald and Steve Smith of the Giants are the picks.
Logan – “That is really funny, busting on some owner who takes this seriously. May Steve Smith and Larry Fitzgerald have unconscious games against you!”
15:34:35 – I am feeling exceptional about my team after four picks – Aaron Rodgers, Dallas Clark, MJD and Greg Jennings. Those four will be tough to top on a weekly basis – I just need to keep it together the rest of the way and I should be in decent shape to have a shot at repeating, which is tough to do in a 14 team league.
Jay – “You have officially crossed over to Packer Nation! My suggestion would be to draft Driver and the Packers defense to complement your team”.
15:47:20 – Wow, Ahmad Bradshaw with the second pick in the 4th, you see my point about fantasy being over-blown. I think someone from ESPN made these suggestions so I cannot claim them – but all paid fantasy analysis should be required to: 1. give a few bits of mis-information just to keep people off balance; 2. Never tag a player as a sleeper or bust, once done so the player is no longer a sleeper nor a bust;
16:12:20 – Break time – one of my boys just came over to the Champs table and commented that “Right now, you have the best team”. I have a fully swollen head now, but I think all fantasy players agree that they have an unhealthy relationship with their fantasy team. I love winning, but mostly I like feeling like I’ve made the right call on a player. My guess is almost every fantasy player feels the same way.
Curtis – “Dude, how is it possible that Linda Lavin is pulling a double shift? She is still here! My participation in this running log is solely based on some cute servers and I get THIS!”
Me – “This is a fantasy draft not a strip club, ease up. This is about the league getting together and competing.”
16:22:40 – My oh my, something very amusing just took place – Visanthe Sciancoe was just drafted which prompted the guy running the draft to comment, “Hey , you want to see something funny, look up Shiancoe exposed locker room on the internet. It was so funny”. To which DA BOYZ commented, “Was it funny or exhilarating?” I have to agree, of all the funny things I would like to search for on the internet “Shiancoe exposed in locker room” is like 109,875 on the list.
Jay – “Finley is like twice as BIG as Shiancoe!”
Me – “I have officially gone into flatline mode for the remainder of the draft!”
16:30:14 – Greg Olsen goes before Chris Cooley! Come on, Mike Martz hates throwing to the TE, of course, he also thinks protecting the quarterback is over-rated. Sweet, in four more picks Cooley will join my team and team with Antonio Gates to become FFDTTE (Fearsome Foursome Dominate Twin Tight Ends). Ugh, some other owner just took Cooley before I could get him.
16:32:04 – The MC just called someone a twat which drew response filled with vitriol from our female competitors. The MC pointed out that earlier they were talking about a certain players “kickstand” (Shiancoe again?). It is getting silly in here.
16:35:24 – Waiting on Sidewinders again. How about Sidewinders as a fireman?
Fireman #1 – “Sir, if we don’t get this fire contained it is going spread and take down this entire block”
Sidewinders – “That is true, time is of the essence, but instead of using the tried and true method of attaching the hose to the hydrant, I am going to go with the new quick release method. I am going to go grab the manual, be right back.”
16:40:41 – I just took Mike Williams, the Bucs rookie WR, in the 9th round. More proof about main-stream fantasy going too far – from 1995-2001 Mike Williams would have been un-drafted, from 2001 through the 2010 post NFL Draft he would have been a later round flier. By the time one of the paid fantasy analysis starts pumping him up, he gets drafted in the 9th round.
16:55:37 – The 9th round is complete and it was by far the most interesting with five corpses getting drafted – Fred Taylor, Kevin Smith, Laurence Maroney, Willis McGahee and Braylon Edwards.
Logan – “Every draft has this period where it’s too early for the sleepers, defenses and kickers; teams start drafting familiarity during this period, even if none of those familiar players will do much.”
Me – “Where else are you going to get such insightful fantasy information? Only about 1,000,000 websites. Nonetheless, thanks Logan.”
17:05:15 – Wow, it is really starting to drag and the attention span of the owners seems to be somewhere between that of a child with ADD and Wade Phillips at a morning team meeting with ribs on the menu for lunch. Example, my buddy just said “These people are crazy”. I nodded, like yea I know I can’t believe how long this draft takes. Then he told me this, “Someone is trying to sell a 1977 F-0150 for $5000 on CraigsList”
Logan – “Where is Jay?”
Me- “I think the Tabasco laced cheese fries got to him.”
17:24:18 – Another Sidewinders waiting period which means it’s time for another “Sidewinders as a”, this time Sidewinders as a bank teller:
Customer – “I need to withdrawl $600.”
Sidewinders – “I need to see two forms of id.”
Customer – “Here you go. I am in a bit of a hurry as well.”
Sidewinders – “I understand. How would you like your money back? All twenties, hundreds, fifties, the possible combinations are endless”
Customer – “I will take all. . .”
Sidewinders – “You could go with a combination of hundreds, fifties and twenties. Or if you are a frequent patron of gentlemans club you might want to go all fives and singles. It is up to you though.”
Customer – “I really need to get going, I will take it all in . . .”
Sidewinders – ‘You know what I would do – get a single one hundred dollar bill, and then mix in fives, tens and twenties for the rest. Then it will look like you have a huge wad of cash.”
Customer – “Listen, pal you’re wasting my time, just give me 6 hundreds.”
Sidewinders – “OK, let me get my sticky grease for my fingers. OK, that’s one. . . two . . . three . . .”
17:24:34 – The picks – Laurent Robinson and Eagles defense. Which reminds me of one of my favorite stories that almost happened – way back, at least 12 years ago, I took a little extra time to make a pick. I think it was Mark Carrier, wide receiver from Carolina, anyway I got some flack from one of the owners, “It took that long for Mark Carrier”. Now that is the true part of the story, the part that almost happened was my response, “Yea, I know but it was a tough choice between Carrier and your mother, then I realized that your mother is worthless so I went with Carrier.” I decided against the comment because we didn’t extra fantasy points for connecting with a right cross.
17:41:06 – I just plowed through my second meal of the day, this time a pulled pork sandwich. DA BOYZ commented on how I ate it like I was in prison and afraid someone was going to take it away from me. Further proof that this draft is as mundane as a watching Synchronized Swimming – we just spent the last 10 minutes debating whether or not the pork sandwich was pulled or sliced. Pulled, as DA BOYZ put it, should have a loose or stringy texture, this was chunky. I argued that we couldn’t call it sliced because sliced should be long, thin pieces of meat not cubes or chunks. Finally, we settled a Pork Stew Sandwich.
17:50:39 – The run on kickers just started – in the 13th round! Predicting the top fantasy kicker is a tough proposition – and even if you attempt to select a kicker from a great offense there is no guarantee that he will do anything other than kick extra points, at the best. At the worst, your 13th round kicker will be coaching women’s soccer by week four.
17:56:50 – More Craig’s List fun from the DA BOYZ – some guy wants to trade a 1948 jeep for artificial grass – I tell him the guy giving the artificial grass is getting reamed and to even out the deal, the guy with the Jeep needs to throw in an 8-track player and a disco ball. This is keeping this draft interesting – how did we ever cope before wireless internet.
18:19:06 – Winding down, time for the last “Sidewinders as a” entry. This time it is Sidewinders as a porn star, uh well, since this is a family show use your imagination. By the way there have been an amazing number of kickers selected over 1.5 per team.
18:27:23 – Last pick waiting on guess who? Sammie Stroughter is the lucky player. Quick question how many NFL greats have been named Sammy? Sam Huff and Sammie Baugh. Odds are against Mr. Stroughter.
All in all good drafts in a fairly reasonable amount of time, have a great fantasy season!
