NFL Power Rankings – Week 6 “Odd Jobs” Edition

Everyone has held at least one regrettable job on their way to their final career choice. Some (like me) have held numerous “odd jobs” while finding their way through school and a career choices.

What makes even the worst of these jobs great are the life lessons learned and experiences gained. Much of my current attitudes and work ethic have been formed because of my experiences in different fields and a multitude of different job responsibilities.

I thought it would be a nice diversion to group the NFL teams based on my personal work experiences. In my recollection, I found myself wondering how I could have been that person, why he seemingly gave away so many good opportunities and my goodness, how could this kid become even remotely successful when he one of the most irresponsible people to walk God’s great earth. Oh no, I am turning into my parents! But that’s not a bad thing, unless your parents are the Lohan’s or Spear’s.

A quick note – I only included the jobs that I would consider to be “odd” or out of my current line of work. Of course, my current job is the “crème de la crème” and my boss is the best possible boss. In fact, I couldn’t imagine a better boss, better place to work or better career.

Without further ado, here are the week 5 power rankings, grouped from my worst “odd-job” to my best:

“Box Maker” – This was a temporary job that I took during the slow banquet season. I lasted all of two hours! I show up to the company and they literally made boxes. Our tasks – put the un-formed boxes on the belt that spit glue into the seams, we then folded the seam and the machine pressed the seam. They hired 20 or so guys to ramp up a big box order. So, it’s me and 19 ex-cons!

The supervisor was this woman who made Meredith Johnson (Demi Moore’s character in “Disclosure”) look like Aunt Bee. “No bathroom breaks”, “No Water” and “Don’t let me catching you goofin’ off, or you’ll be gone” were the first three things out of her mouth. I waited until the first legal break and walked off the job!

32. St. Louis (0 movement from last week) – “Bye week” gave them a goof fight only to fall a little short. The question for them isn’t if they can win a game, but can they lose respectfully enough to move into the 31^st spot in the rankings. Detroit is charging hard …

31. Detroit(-1) – Silly me I thought they had a chance to beat the Bears. Seriously it’s time to fire one employee, who is insignificant to the day-to-day football, every week until this gets turned around.

 

“Debt Collector” – Without a doubt the most un-pleasant job I ever held for more than three months. They started me with the 3+ “dues”, which were people more than 60 days past due. So, I had to hassle people who hadn’t forgot their bill, but were intentionally not paying. As a young naïve boy, I was not prepared for the vitriol that came from the other end of the phone when “Mr. Johnson” called.

I think the statue of limitations has passed and I can without fear of penalty say that I spent most of my time checking the credit reports of random people I knew.

There was some upside to this job – good pay (relative to my age) and the “high comedy” of listening to the “lifetime collectors” battle with these delinquents.

30. Kansas City(-2) – We are left with a ton ‘o questions this week? Is Carolina that good or Denver that bad? Does “Herm Edwards” translated in Navajo mean “He who cannot coach”? We need answers!

29. Cleveland (0) – I am playing against Braylon Edwards this week and even though I have him in one league he is on IR and not available to me until mid-October. If he goes off this week, I am heading to Home Depot and loading up and various garden tools that can be used to exert major damage to human limbs.

 

“Make 1000 a week guaranteed!” – Hard up for work, I answered one of those catchy ads that promise fortune for limited amount of work. This sounded perfect for an un-motivated, yet filled with potential, young adolescent like me. The job was to deliver cookbooks to local business on a Monday, ask them to place the book in the break room with an order sheet and show up Friday to collect the orders. Easy enough, the problem is most those business treat solicitations the same way past-due people treat bill collectors, very few of them would even let me get through the first sentence of my rap.

At that age, the only sales I was interested in was selling co-eds on the idea of sharing a completely regretting evening with me. But nonetheless, after the initial meeting, I loaded up 4 boxes of cookbooks in my Z-28 and headed out. On Friday, I returned with three un-opened boxes and no sales. The boss’ comment – “Thanks. Take Care!”

28. Cincinnati (+3) – This group of teams at the bottom is so bad that you can gain three sport by losing respectably. The Bengals defensive is nearing the point where I am concerned if one of my players is playing them. Nearing, not there!

27. Houston (-1) – The loss to Colts has to rank right up there with the “Music City Miracle” and the “Comeback in Orchard Park” for Houston fans.

 

“Construction” – On the surface this seemed like a great summer job – excellent pay (for a high school kid), the ability to workout (great for an athlete) and a chance to learn the construction business. When you dig deeper this was about as God-awful of job as you can get. To make matters worse, my co-workers were guys who carried around more baggage than John Candy in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”.

From the very first day the summer heat took its toll on me that I after finishing work I went straight to bed. By the second day, I was wondering how my co-workers could put a in full day, head to the bar drinking all night and be back at work bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Drugs, that’s how!

I was quite a hot-head back in those days, so by the middle of my second day I was testy from the heat and the work I was totally unaccustomed to that lost it at the foreman. Needless to say that was the beginning of the end, but not before they got the last laugh the next day. I showed up and put in about four hours of grueling labor and then they let me go. I never got paid for that four hours!

26. San Francisco(-2) – Ugly loss to the Pats, but this is what we all expected from this team.

25. Seattle (-7) – Three NFC west teams in the bottom seven. Right now I hoping the winner of the division finishes 7-9 and gets to host a playoff game.

“Dough Roller” – I took job at less than minimum wage because my parents were bustin my balls about finding work. Granted I was 29 at the time, but I thought their attitude was out of line.  I made up the part about me being 29, I was 16, but still my parents didn’t get it – I did not want to work!

My job was to roll dough to a 1/8 of an inch and then cut it into rectangular pieces to be used for “Gondolas” (deep-fried dough and filled with goodies). This was a nice little “ma and pa” walk-in restaurant that had a couple very nice fringe benefits that kept working there far longer than I should have. I met my first “real” girlfriend, the daughter of the owner and the food was tremendous.

Once “dad” got wind of our relationship he would daily tell me stories about his boys and the heinous things they had done to people. Of course, this meant very little to an invincible teenager like me, but not all was lost here – I plan on using these same stories when young boys come a courtin’ my daughters.

24. Oakland (+3) – I did a little research on their new coach. He has held one head coaching job, at Idaho from 2000-2003. Ok, so he’s a Big time college football coach who amassed a 8-26 record with the Vandals. Yep, the Raiders are in good hands.

 

“Car Wash Attendant” – Working at “car wash” there were two distinct jobs – “the driver” and “towel boy”. Now if you got on “the driver” detail you were sitting pretty, driving nice cars from the kiosk to the wash bay. The job was tolerable as the “the driver”. A shift spent working as “towel boy” was work and most people feel they aren’t getting their money’s worth unless they make you re-wipe a spot or two. And surprisingly most people were either ignorant to tipping “towel boy” or too cheap to do so.

I spent most of my off hours time doing rain dances and praying for torrential downpours that would get me out of work.

23. New Orleans(-8) – I have to admit my love for this team is waning. They’re two missed field goals away from being 4-1 and sitting pretty at the top of the South. Yet, somehow, Martine Gramatica still has a job. Based on that and the fact they’re sloppy with the football, they take the plunge this week.

22. Arizona(+1) – Protect your home field and you win the division. It’s as simple at that.

21. NY Jets (+1) – Another up and down team. They have an incredibly easy schedule the rest of the way and if they play more like the team that dismantled the Cardinals the playoffs are within reach.

“Security” – I worked security for concerts during my first year of college. Yes, there I was with the “Event Staff” yellow shirt. By many standards this was a great job, I got see several concerts for free and pummel anyone who got out of line. But looking back now, I was fortunate to make it out of that without things getting ugly. In this time of heighten awareness security personnel look more like CIA agents, but back then we basically were assigned to a concrete pod in the middle of a mosh pit. There I was all alone and of course, my testosterone was at an all-time high, so I was ready to “dance” at the first sign of trouble. I am lucky I never ran up against a group of people who hated authority like the boys from “Animal House” or I may have come out looking worse Mitch Green after tangling with Mike Tyson.

20. Baltimore (-1) – One bad call (roughing the passer) away from being 3-1. Now, I could see them hitting the skids and the defensive “mailing it in” the rest of the way.

“Waiter” – In the food and beverage field there is no more over-rated job than that of a waiter. First off, patrons don’t respect the wait staff the same way the respect a (spoiler alert) bartender. Secondly, to make money as a waiter you are completely reliant on tips and there are too many variables out of a your control – the kitchen, bus boys, bartenders, even the host staff – that negatively affect your income.

But I had some classic moments as a waiter. One in particular, I was helping out the banquet department serve a large veteran conference. Toward the end of the key note, an old stogie gentleman asked me for a refill of coffee. I went to the wait station and felt the pot, it wasn’t steaming hot but it was hot enough to serve, so I filled his cup and walked away.

A couple minutes later as I walked by the gentleman’s table, he grabbed my arm, held up the cup and said “This was cold. Thanks for the effort!” Rather than drop a smart-aleck comment like “Listen old-timer, you’re so senile you don’t know the difference”, I decided to take the “customer is always right approach”. I am sure your thinking I went to back filled the cup with hot coffee and then stirred with, er, something other than a straw. No, no, no, I wanted to please this customer and he wanted a hot cup of coffee. Instead I walked to the back and filled the cup from the coffee vat, you know the one that is labeled – “Caution: Do not serve directly from this vat”. That, however, was not enough to insure that this cup of coffee would be hot enough to meet this customer’s expectations. So, I grabbed a book of matches, lit the entire book and proceeded to further “heat” the cup with the fire until I practically burn my hands. I then delivered the cup, with flame marks brandishing the sides to the gentleman and told him, “I hope this is hot enough.” My guess is he had trouble eating for the next month.

19. Green Bay (-5)- Over-rated. Losing to Atlanta in Lambeau is unacceptable.

18. Jacksonville (-7) – Over-rated. Losing to that banged up Pittsburgh at home is unacceptable.

17. San Diego (-10) – Over-rated. Miami might be decent, but still the Chargers are a team with Super Bowl aspirations. The drop is merely an adjustment of my over-ranking them.

“Bowling Alley Attendant” – This was a highly under-rated summer job. I practically lived at the bowling alley that summer. What made this a great job? For starters, I got to bowl three games for free every day and once I got to know the front desk guys, I was bowling as much as I wanted. I also got free food, sure it was worse than bar food, but as a high school kid edible is about the only requirement I had.

But the single best part of that job – on most nights hoards of mid-20 single chicks would turn out to bowl, drink and drink some more. Let’s just leave it at those were good times.

The drawback was the front desk guys, who were mostly failed pro bowlers that were serious under-achievers and just a tad of resentment towards anyone who “had the world in the palm of their hands.” Of course, “world in the palm of theirs hands” really meant young and able to avoid their own regrettable mistakes for potentially even more regrettable ones. But most of those guys were incredibly cool and I, surprisingly, learned a lot from my summer working with them.

16. Minnesota(+5) – Salvage their season with the Monday night win in New Orleans

15. Atlanta(+10) – It’s not just the win in Green Bay, but the way they held on when Green Bay made a charge.

14. Miami (+6) – I figured this team would be better and by years end would play a spoiler, but they might get themselves into the playoffs. Take note Detroit – see what a change in the front office can do for you.

 

“Intern” – My ex-girlfriend’s father got me a summer internship at a aerospace company. Now this was a great job, with great pay and the huge upside of having the ability to learn everything about the aerospace field. A more motivated individual would have gobbled up the experience, but for me not so much. Instead of soaking up the ins and outs of line manufacturing and plant management, I immediately start figuring out ways to “get over on the system”. This wasn’t hard since my supervisor was a “recovering” alcoholic/drug addict.

By the middle of my first week, I was shaving at least 30 minutes off each end of the day and I found a way to combat the lack of sleep my lifestyle was giving me. All of the line workers wore special lab coats to protect their clothes. I would walk around for about an hour in the morning collecting lab coats, sometimes as many as three. By the time I was finished with the lab coats I looked more bloated than Jason Giambi. I would then head to the bathroom, where the lab coats would serve their ultimate purpose, as a pillow.

Now you can say I didn’t learn anything from this job, but I disagree. By the end of my time I had the sleep schedule down to a science. The early mornings were not good because too many people were running late to work and wouldn’t take care of business before they left for work. And since lunch shifts varied, the lunch period was not good because there were way too many spicy, Mexican restaurants in close proximity. Before lunch? Nope, many people were freeing space to allow them to over-eat at lunch. The best time – right around the morning break time was optimal for snatching about an hour of sleep in the “can.”

This, however, was the one of the “odd jobs” I had that I truly regretted not getting engaged. Of course, getting adolescent me to engage in anything other than “who’s having a kegger tonight”, would have been miraculous.

13. Indianapolis (-3) – They have needed two miracles to avoid an 0-4 start. Yep, this might be the year they fall off the map.

12. Tampa Bay (-6) – The offense didn’t show up in Denver, but the defense was stellar.

11. Denver (+2) – I still don’t think this team is for real.

 

“Bus Boy” – Bus boy is the second best job in the food and beverage service industry. Several things made this a great job, from making more hourly money than waiters to having very little if any interaction with the paying customers. My duties were simple and effortless – provide drinks, fill drinks, clear and set the tables. That left plenty of time to do creative things.

 

I worked as a bus boy for a restaurant that was filled with decorative mini-statues. It didn’t take long for me to figure out how to exploit these statues. At the beginning of my shift I would take votive candles and place them under floor lights. The heat from the lights would soften, but not melt the candles thus making the candle wax moldable. At the end of my shift, I had one last task – form the wax into, ah, well certain parts of the human anatomy and place them on the statues. That never got old.

 

10. Buffalo (-5) – Beaten soundly in the desert without their QB. I think this confirms the decision to with Edwards at QB.

9. Carolina (+8) – OK, it was only the Chiefs, but they did what a good team should do – bomb an inferior team.

8. Chicago (+8) – Da’ Bears are looking like the class of the North.

 

“Taco Bell” – I know what you’re thinking – “How can fast food not be the worst possible job?”. Well, I agree a normal fast food worker is about as bad as it gets. But I was not a normal worker at Taco Bell, I was “the fryer.” “The fryer” was responsible for deep fat frying the chips and taco shells. Each day I would go in and lying on the fry table was my quota for the day, once that was done I was done. I never had to take a food order or do any of the mundane “clean the clean tables” busy work. I reported directly to the store manager and didn’t have to take any BS from the power hungry, assistant to the assistant manager.

I didn’t even have to wear that goofy outfit or stupid hat. And believe me as a freshman in high school that was a huge plus.

7. Philadelphia (-3) – This team isn’t anywhere near the playoffs without a healthy Westbrook. And what’s with all the running plays from inside the five?

6. New England (+3) – When push comes to shove who beats them in the AFC – Tenneessee or Pittsburgh? I think the Pats would like their chances.

 

“Soda Merchandiser” – Not only was this a great job for a college student, but one could turn this into a nice career. One of the VPs of the company I worked for started out part-time merchandiser. The pay was great and they would pay overtime for anything over 8.0 in a single day. Working mostly weekends, I made enough to cover my expenses for the week and during the huge holiday sales I would make enough to cover my expenses for a month. And you were out on a route, which gave the employee tons of freedom and this was well before the technology was available to track employees like a they had a house arrest bracelet.

This was the one job where I actually gave a good, solid effort most of the time. But after about a year, my “live for the moment” lifestyle started to require me to cut some corners. I would go in and beg for an East Valley route, the closer to home the better. The routes were prioritized based on volume of sales at the store, so I would always hit my first stop and do a bang up job. Then head home and sleep until I was rested. I would finish my day, many times failing to even hit half of the stores on my route. Other times I would roll into the store and pull the soda on the shelf forward to give the appearance of a fully stocked shelf. That would significantly cut my time spent in the store. How long could that last? As long as it took me to run out of excuses like “I must have went to the wrong store”, “That is a big party area, I bet someone came in and loaded up on soda after I left” and “I couldn’t find the product in the stock room.”

5. Dallas (-2) – They did enough to win, but a team slightly less incompetent would have walked away with a win this past weekend.

4. Pittsburgh (+4) – Nails win this week in Jacksonville. When you can play defense, it doesn’t matter that your quarterback is more banged up than the “Operation” guy or that you are down to your fourth string RB.

3. Washington (+9) – That might be the most impressive two wins of the entire season. And they’re done with their road division games.

“Bartender” – The best “odd-job” you could have. And bartending is far and away the best of the food and beverage industry. Customers completely respect the bartender. Why? It’s simple, I had the power to cut them off at any point. And when customers are drinking they are more likely to engage in meaningful conversations. Plus, it’s like being the captain of the football team, waitresses would compete for bartender attention and brag about dating one of them.

Bartending is another of the “odd-jobs” that can become a career, see the movie “Cocktail” as an example. The hourly pay is much higher than that of other service employees and you can directly control your tips. For example, I started everyone out with about an ounce and a half of alcohol (an ounce is the standard set by the tight-ass management team) per drink. If I got a nice tip from the customer the next drink would be two ounces or so. If the cheap turd stiffed me, the next drink I would pull out the ounce shot glass and carefully measure exactly an ounce. One chintzy customer noticed this and on his third trip to the bar told me “Don’t be shy.” I served him his ounce drink and as he walked away I told him “Don’t be shy.” He never returned.

2. Tennessee (0) – Needed a break to beat Baltimore, but isn’t that what good teams do – find a way to win.

1. NY Giants (0) – Destroyed the Seahawks without Plax. They look like a lock to run their record to 6-0 (Cleveland and San Francisco). We will find out if this really is the best team in weeks 8-10 (@Pitt, Dall, @Phil)